Save Your Souls Scoobies Natch
by FUCKOFF
Summary: A parody on what happens when the Scoobies, and then some are visited by a conservative. Rated R for strong language, and sexual content.


Disclaimer: The characters in this story except Clerk, and Conservative Man do not belong to me. They belong to Joss Whedon  
I would also like to note that I am in no way attempting to mock the Christian fate.  
I just thought it would be funny to see the Scoobies in this situation.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter One: If you believe in Reincarnation, and I Hope You Do...  
  
Summary: Takes place during S7. The Scoobies, including Spike, and Kennedy are together at the house. Strange things happen when a Christian comes to visit them.  
  
Note: I am in no way attempting to mock the Christian fate, so if any are offended I suggest you read some nice fluffy G rated stories.  
  
"Buffy what was Heaven like?" Dawn asked her sister.  
  
Buffy who was sitting opposite of Dawn on the couch, replied, "Well Dawn Heaven is a magical place where everything is quiet, and I didn't have to fight anymore demons."  
  
Dawn listened in eager anticipation, but was soon let down. "That doesn't sound like paradise that sounds boring."  
  
"...Then stupid Willow had to pull me out. I should have killed her, that stupid witch. By the way where is she?" Buffy continued, ignoring Dawn's babbling.  
  
"I think she's upstairs with that girl, Kennedy." Dawn answered  
  
Meanwhile in Willow's bedroom we see the red head on the floor looking pensive. Her head is turned to the right, and we see that she's looking at Kennedy. The other girl was sitting on the bed staring at Willow. "So I heard you like turned into the big bad. Wow how exciting! I wanna see, I wanna see!!"  
  
"Not right now." Willow growled, still looking pensive.  
  
She had listened to Kennedy's psycho babbling all night, and was moments away from bashing her head against the wall. She then thought about turning the rich spoiled girl into a roach, but decided that was unoriginal, and just too gross.  
  
"Kennedy, why do you insist on staying in my bedroom?" Willow asked  
  
"Because all the other girls suck, and you don't." Kennedy grinned  
  
"Huh?" Willow asked, somewhat stupefied  
  
"I like driving automatic!" Kennedy licked her lips  
  
"What?" Willow asked still confused  
  
"I like going down town." Kennedy groaned  
  
"Que?" Willow replied in Spanish  
  
"I want to take a trip down Yuri Avenue!" The foreigner moaned.  
"Was?" The red head answered back in Deutch.  
  
"Oh for crying out loud I want to bang you!" Kennedy yelled  
  
Willow's eyes went wide. She then got up from her spot, "I umm gotta go, umm er, resurrect Tara." She hurried, as she rushed away from the girl.  
  
"I was just joking." Kennedy sighed to herself." Watching the other girl flee   
Away.   
  
Willow was actually quite ecstatic to get out of that room, and away from Kennedy. The only girl she had ever loved was dead. Willow then wondered where Tara was right now.  
  
Meanwhile we see Tara talking to an office clerk behind a desk. The clerk looks at the girl, and asks, "Name, age, date of death, how you got here, and reincarnation?"  
  
Tara stuttered, "T-tara Maclay. 20, died may 2002, shot by Warren."  
  
Of course who should be behind her, but Warren himself. "I didn't mean to kill you! In fact I want to be resurrected as a nice happy church boy."  
  
Clerk retorted, "Pft, yeah that'll be the day. Come on now Gun Wound what you wanna be now?"  
  
Tara thought for a moment, and then stuttered, "I want to be the girl I was before."  
  
"Sorry you're body was cremated." Clerk snorted.  
  
"NOOOO!!!" Tara let out a loud dimension-shattering scream.  
  
In New York City we see a couple looking around in bewilderment.  
  
"I made it perfectly clear that I did not want to be CREMATED!!" The brunnette witch screamed.  
  
On a farm in Nebraska the cows become so scared their milk sours, the farmer milking them guffaws, "Well shucks their goes my annual income for de ye-ar."  
  
"I'm going to personally haunt my girlfriend forever!!" Tara bellowed once again.  
  
In a church in Idaho the whole congressional hears this, they immediately start praying.  
  
Clerk finally spoke up, "Look that body was so bland, wouldn't you like something sexier?"  
  
"Like what?" Tara wheezed due to the inane amount of screaming she had just done.  
  
Clerk showed her a picture of what looked like Tara, only better looking.  
  
"Yeah o.k. I'll take that then." She replied still somewhat disappointed.  
  
Clerk waved her hands and there was a blinding light.  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
  
  
Meanwhile back at the Summers house we see Spike sitting in the living room. Suddenly Tara appears out of nowhere. To top it off clerk forgot to give her some clothes, so yeah she's nude. Upon seeing this, the spiritual vampire immediately starts to yell.  
  
"First! First! You're the bloody first!! You look like bloody Tara only well..."  
  
Tara just stared blankly, then finally seethed, "O.K first of all I am not the first. Second of all the only reason why I don't look like, well my formal self is because my brain dead, magik, heroin addicted girlfriend cremated my body. I specifically told her not to! And third quit staring at me you schizophrenic, chip brained demon!"  
  
Spike cocked his head to the side in bewilderment, and retorted. "Did you really tell your bird your wish?"  
  
Tara pouted. "Of course I did!"  
  
She went into a flashback. The night she and Willow got back together we see the two lovers wrapped around each other. For no particular reason Tara wakes up and mumbles, "If I die please don't cremate me."  
  
Willow still asleep mumbles, "O.K honey bun, mmf. Zzzzz."  
  
Back in the present Tara got a look of realization on her face. "Oh." She muttered.  
  
Spike still has his head cocked to the side. A sliver of drool escapes from his mouth, and lands on the floor next to the "other puddle" on the floor. It hasn't occurred to Tara yet to get some clothes  
  
At this point Willow walks into the room. She sees Tara and immediately we see a dark spot form on her jeans. She too begins drooling. Uneased Tara walks up to her lover, and asks. "Willow it's me Tara. I was reincarnated as myself, only with a sexier body."  
  
Willow stops drooling, and whips her head up. "Oh Tara baby you're back, and your nakedness makes me want to have hot monkey sex with you!"  
  
"Umm not right now." Tara refused the advances of her extremely horny girlfriend.  
  
At this point Buffy, Xander, Dawn, and Kennedy enter the room. When they see Tara Buffy looks shocked, Xander drools, Dawn looks bored, and Kennedy begins wailing. Finally the Slayer speaks up. "Hey Will you didn't do a spell to bring Tara back did you?"  
  
"No she just appeared out of nowhere. I've spent the last two days being hit on by Kennedy." Willow replied  
  
"Waah!! All I wanted was sex with a girl! Wahh! I'm horny!" Kennedy wailed.  
  
For some strange reason the group decided to sit down. Spike, and Xander were still leering at Tara (Hentais!!)   
  
"So what's going on with you guys?" Tara asked  
  
Buffy answered. "We're training potential slayers to help us fight The First."  
  
"Oh The First? Seriously all you got to do is..." Tara never finishes her sentence, as there is a knock on the door.  
  
"I'll get the door. It'll be the highlight of my day." Dawn jumped up.  
  
When she opens the door we see a man dressed in Black pants, and a white shirt holding "The Holy Bible" He looks past Dawn to see a bored looking blonde. A stark naked Brunette/Blonde. Two guys drooling. A redhead making sexual advances towards the naked girl, and finally what looks to be a psychotic girl flailing her arms about, making humping motions towards the red head.  
  
"Umm would now be a good time to come in?" The man asked  
  
For the sake of plot Dawn lets the man in. 


End file.
